Forgiveness

Everyone experiences emotional pain in life. Some of us experience horrific traumas at the hand of another. The result is fear, guilt, anger, even rage.

Experiences can haunt us for years or a lifetime. When humans experience traumatic pain we form some sort of coping mechanism to deal with it. It could be denial, a stiff upper lip, avoidance, being aloof, aggression. These can be temporary coping mechanisms. If the pain that caused them isn't dealt with the pain and patterns will affect our lives. We will continue to use these patterns for other situations, even if they aren't traumatic. The patterns will interfere with feeling our emotions and our emotional growth.

When we have a lot of pain and anger because of what someone has done to us it is easy to hate them and be unable to forgive. They did this to us. They owe us an apology or a lifetime of apologies. They deserve our rage, our bitterness, perhaps even a lifetime of misery. Why should we give them something like forgiveness when they don't deserve it? As Seane Corn, renowned yoga teacher, put it ”the inability to forgive is the poison you take hoping someone else will die.”

This is exactly what the lack of forgiveness does to us, it poisons us. Why? Even if we don't recognize it, the pain and anger eat away at us. They often cause depression. Depression is pain and anger turned inwards upon ourselves. Isn't it ironic that when someone does something to us, we end up hating...ourselves? A traumatic experience can erode our self-esteem, cause us to question ourselves, cause us to feel guilty. We wonder why we didn't or couldn't defend ourselves. What did we do to cause it? How did we deserve it? The experience can cause us to question our ability to love, the likelihood of others loving us, cause us to question our worth.

The inability to forgive is also a coping mechanism. We are trying to protect ourselves from further hurt. We believe that if we show gentleness, forgiveness, it will open us to the possibility of being hurt again. The Truth, however, is that we are continuing to be hurt because we are holding onto the pain and anger. And we are holding ourselves back. We are preventing ourselves from getting on with our lives, truly enjoying or experiencing it now. When you hold on to anger towards someone or towards life, you are looking through a clouded lens. You always will be looking at this person as Person X, the person who did this to me, is calling, is the person in this photograph, is the person sitting near me. Unless you forgive, you will never allow the opportunity for you to have a positive or neutral interaction with this person. And you won't be able to be in the moment. Forgiveness does not erase the past or change the person who caused that past. It changes the way you look at them and frees you.

I had a difficult, painful childhood. Everyone in my life, save two, disappointed me, hurt me and or betrayed me. I was very shut down, angry and depressed. I enjoyed the powerful sensation of that anger and I didn't want to forgive. I knew, however, that it was destroying me one piece at a time. I went to a chiropractor who used flower essence therapy for me. It was completely life altering. I woke up one day and realized that I had forgiven everyone, even the family member who had molested me. I cannot describe what a weight was lifted off my shoulders. (This is why I am now a flower essence therapist). I discovered happiness. And I had been a child who didn't like to smile for photographs because smiling would have been a lie!

Now, when I interact with someone who has previously hurt me, I don't think about that so much. I think about the situation at hand. And I can enjoy the moment with them now. If they say or do something that I don't agree with, I express my boundaries to them or finish the interaction. I am able to do this without overreacting to the moment or feeling retraumatized. And if I chose to have a relationship with this person, I can have a positive or neutral relationship with them. That is what forgiveness gives to you. PEACE. This does not mean you need to have a relationship with someone who is actually dangerous or continues to violate your boundaries even when you voice them. You can chose how and how much interaction you have with them, if any. You are under no obligation to be in contact with someone, even if they are a family member. It is for you to choose. Forgiveness is simply for yourself, to heal.

So forgiving others is healing to yourself. Did you know most of us also need to forgive ourselves? If you felt victimized by something or someone, you have probably retained resentment or anger against yourself for allowing it to happen. Perhaps you feel guilty. Perhaps you believe in some way that you deserved it or were asking for it. Most of us also have nontraumatic instances in our lives for which we are still mentally abusing ourselves. This could be for mistakes we've made, opportunities we've missed, times we haven't stood up for others or our values. It could be for the things we should have or haven't done, paths we should have taken, ways in which we've fallen short. I'd be surprised to find someone who has nothing or no one to forgive. Yet it is so necessary to our mental health and our happiness.

So how do you go about forgiveness? There are various ways. Pray, meditate, take flower essences, write a letter that you don't send. Hold a ceremony in which you declare your forgiveness (by yourself or with someone who completely supports you). You do not need to tell someone that you have forgiven them. It is for you to know for yourself.

I recently read something very powerful in the Dear Abby column. “To forgive someone [or yourself, I would add] is a decision to let go of the hatred, hurt and resentment even when the other person [or you] doesn't deserve it or ask for it. When we can do this, the terrible deed loses its hold on our lives. Forgiveness is an act of strength, not weakness. It is healthy for us.” -- A.Q. IN MOBILE, ALA.

So please, consider forgiveness. You don't have to do it for someone else's sake. Do it for yourself, for your own sake. Your life is waiting.

(Suggested reading: Energy Anatomy by Caroline Myss. Read about Tribal Consciousness and "An Eye for an Eye" mentality under the 1st and 2nd Chakras)